On Friday I posted about how writing has taught me the importance of endurance, not giving up at the first rejection. I thought about what I wrote all day. I thought about it as I talked to my Mom on the phone about struggling with food addiction (while I binged on some popcorn.) I thought about it on Saturday as through God’s grace I successfully pushed through a potluck without overeating and without being envious of what the others ate. I thought about it when I got home later Saturday night and needed a snack. That snack started out legitimately but progressed into a binge. I had done so well earlier in the evening that I deserve a treat. Faulty thinking, eh?
This weekend as I struggled with overeating I realized that I need to apply what I learned about writing to my battle with food . I need to persevere, accepting that I can’t control the outcome, and trust God with what happens. In my easy does it, quick results, minimal effort brain, I thought that eating properly and losing weight would be a snap. I’d have one week of control, but when I stepped on the scale the following Monday, I’d throw in the towel, because I wasn’t getting the results I wanted.
I’m thankful that God has helped me to see that I need to practice perseverance in my struggle against sin and also that He reminded me, again, that I’m not fighting my addiction to food to lose weight. I’m fighting to no longer be controlled by food and my weight so that I can rest in Him. If you think of it, pray for my endurance!
Now that the preamble is finished I want to share a little about my experience at Celebrate Recovery with you all. I started CR in August of 2014. I didn’t go because I was looking for help from food addiction. I went to deal with my sins of pride, self-righteousness, my judgmental spirit, etc. I loved the large group meetings and was very excited to start a step study last November.
Going to the weekly study helped me to realize that my issue with food was out control, and that I was powerless to do anything about my struggle. But! But, it gave me hope that there was someone who could help me. Jesus, my Lord and my God, wants to change me and is able to change me. Being in a group that recognizes the seriousness of deeply rooted sin patterns helped me to take ownership of the fact that I struggle with being addicted to food.
That didn’t happen at the first meeting though. Robbie kept encouraging me to answer the questions in the CR workbooks in light of my struggle with, but I didn’t see how they related. I didn’t see that my efforts to control my eating on my own were failing. Not even after the horrible binge season of I went through during December – May. I couldn’t stop eating. I overate on the delicious muffins that were given to me but also on green peas. I would eat when I wasn’t hungry. I would eat things I didn’t like. When I was alone I often found myself unable to finish praying to thank God for my food before I started eating, and when I was with Robbie I would usually pick at my plate before we both sat down to enjoy our meal.
It finally hit home when I was talking to one of my CR friends who called my struggle with overeating what it was: an addiction. I’ve been processing that for the last several months. During that time I read an amazing book called “Love to Eat, Hate to Eat”, which I’ll be blogging about soon, and I prayed over whether I should join a food addicts group.
I put it off for a long time. The thought of going to a support group was really embarrassing. It still is…but I’ve decided to try an accountability group out. I’m going to try out TOPS (take off pounds sensibly) next Tuesday. It’s more focused on losing weight than on food addiction, but I think it will provide the support and structure that I’m looking for. I’m excited to try it. I’d go tomorrow, but I have a follow up appointment with my surgeon that I kind of have to keep.
All this to say that while I didn’t go to Celebrate Recovery specifically to address my food addiction, CR helped me to recognize my addiction, to feel comfortable in owning that, and to be willing to admit that I can’t fix it. Celebrate Recovery is a great beginning in learning how broken and unfaithful we are but how capable and faithful God is. If you’ve one in your area I recommend checking it out. It’s open to all sinners, so everyone is welcome!
Thanks for letting me share this journey with you!