It Fades but never Passes

IMG_0922
“Judy” Drawn in 2015 as part of my grieving process.

Grief.

It leaves a permanent mark on you. But I no longer think that’s a bad thing.

(Rabbit Hole by David Lindsay-Abaire persuaded me that it was okay)

Wednesday will mark two years since the death of my good friend Judy. As the days have slowly crept towards her anniversary, she has often been on my mind. The crawl to February 22nd has been both weightier and lighter than last year. Lighter because I do not dread it with the anticipation that plagued me for her first anniversary. Weightier because I miss her so much more.

There have been a lot of songs, and poems, quotes, and scripture passages that have helped me cope over the last two years. Here are some of my favorites.

From Rabbit Hole by David Lindsay-Abaire

Becca: Mom? Does it go away?
Nat: What?
Becca: This feeling. Does it every go away?
Nat: No. I don’t think it does. Not for me, it hasn’t. And that’s goin’ on eleven years. It changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don’t know. The weight of it, I guess. At some point it becomes bearable. It turns into something you can crawl out from under. And carry around – like a brick in your pocket. And you forget it every once in awhile, but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is: “Oh right. That.” Which can be awful. But not all the time. Sometimes it’s kinda… Not that you like it exactly, but it’s what you have instead of your son, so you don’t wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn’t go away, which is…
Becca: What?
Nat: Fine… actually.

“Playing Hard to Get” by Rich Mullins

You who live in Heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here?
Where we all scrape to find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away?
Well I memorized every word You said

Still I’m so scared, I’m holding my breath
While You’re up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that’s not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness, did You ever know need?
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on and Your friends fall asleep
And don’t see the blood that’s running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You’re up there just playing hard to get?

And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can’t see what’s ahead
And we can not get free of what we’ve left behind
I’m reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can’t see how You’re leading me unless You’ve led me here
Where I’m lost enough to let myself be led
And so You’ve been here all along I guess
It’s just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

*Lamentations 3:31-33 

31 For the Lord will not reject forever,
32 For if He causes grief,
Then He will have compassion
According to His abundant lovingkindness.
33 For He does not afflict [j]willingly
Or grieve the sons of men.

*Really the whole chapter but it would be far too long for a blog post, but I strongly recommend you read it in its entirety.

If you are in a period of grief, I know something of your pain. I hope the above selections are a comfort to you as they have been for me.

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